Neigh need for police cars!

Posted on 01/04/2013 by



Drylaw Police Station to close as Police Scotland opts for horse power

The chief of Scotland’s new national police force has vowed to wrong foot the country’s criminal fraternity – by replacing cars with horses! And Drylaw Police Station looks set to become a stable block under radical new plans.

Chief Constable Stephen House (pictured below) has ‘taken the reins’ at Police Scotland, which today officially replaces Scotland’s eight regional police forces. The new boss has promised to seek new ways to crack down on crime, and in a controversial move one of the first things he will do is replace hundreds of police cars, vans and motorcycles with … horses!


“It’s true”, he confirmed. “Police Scotland, like every other organisation in the country, faces financial challenges and we must look at our costs and try to make economies. We have inherited a large fleet of vehicles which are expensive to run and maintain, and are also very bad for the environment. I propose to replace the vast majority of these vehicles with police horses – at substantial savings to the taxpayer.

“Horses are much cheaper to run – they only need straw, oats and a handful of carrots – and this will be much better for the environment too. Horses are adaptable, can easily handle adverse weather conditions and, unlike motor vehicles, they can jump walls and fences! The public will even benefit from free manure for their gardens, so it really is a ‘win, win’ scenario. I am genuinely excited about the possibilities of this initiative.”

The switch to horsepower will see Drylaw Police Station converted to a state of the art stable enclosure for new equine recruits.

“We all know that crime levels are falling so we will need fewer police stations,” Mr House went on. “Drylaw isn’t that busy, so we will convert that building to a new stable facility for the horses. The police officers currently based at Drylaw will be retrained and will learn important new skills – grooming, cleaning tack, mucking out and things like that – which will give them something to do if there aren’t any criminals to catch. My officers are enthusiastic and adaptable, and we will need new skills for a new era in policing.”

Scotland’s criminal fraternity do not seem over-concerned about the Police Scotland initiative, however. Former crime boss Robert ‘Big Boab’ Baxter, who now writes exclusively on crime-related matters for the Daily Record, said: “Ma pals – sorry, former associates, won’t exactly be quaking in their boots when they hear this! Horses! I think Mister Hoose is semi-detached!”

Glasgow businessman Baxter, who was dubbed  the ‘Barlanark Butcher’ before becoming a respectable security adviser, went on: “I’m looking forward to watching Red Rum and Dobbin taking on a Jag or a BMW in a race up the M8! Maybe the Chief Constable thinks he’s John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. What’s next – the  sheriff and his deputies and getting a posse together? He’s havin’ a laugh!”

It’s understood the Chief Constable’s conversion to horse power didn’t come from watching old Westerns – but sources close to the Chief confirm that he was influenced by seeing Oscar-nominated film ‘War Horse’.

A spokesperson for the Scottish Police Authority, which oversees the new police organisation, dismissed criticism and insisted the reforms will go ahead. He said: “Yes, Stephen worked in Strathclyde but this is not shootouts in the Wild West, goodies chasing baddies, or even cowboys – although Glasgow does have it’s fair share of cowboys. This is a new dawn for policing in Scotland and we are looking at innovative new ways to tackle crime in this country. The public will be delighted to know that this equine initiative – we call it Operation Thoroughbred – is just the first of many brave, exciting new ideas. Yes, we are absolutely convinced that the public will sleep easier in their beds and will support us all the way on this. There may be a few teething problems, but Scotland’s criminals should be warned – we’re on your trail and we’re hunting you down! Tally ho!”

Cagney and Lacey

Cagney and Lacey